Editor’s note: Below is the latest installment of “The Leader Board” — a featured series in the B&R aimed at helping pastors and church leaders get answers to hard questions.
Dear Leader Board,
I know not everyone will agree with every decision I make. Intellectually, I understand that. But emotionally, it still wears on me when people are frustrated, disappointed, or upset.
What makes it difficult is that I genuinely care about people. I don’t want to lead harshly or bulldoze anyone. But lately I’ve noticed myself hesitating before difficult conversations, softening things that probably need to be said clearly, and feeling relief whenever everyone seems “okay.” The problem is, I’m starting to wonder if I’m leading from conviction or just trying to keep the room comfortable. How do you know when the desire to care for people has quietly turned into the need to keep everyone happy?
Thanks,
Trying to Keep the Peace
Dear Trying to Keep the Peace,
First, let’s separate two things that often get tangled together in ministry: shepherding and peacekeeping. Shepherding cares for people. Peacekeeping manages reactions. One leads people toward health. The other quietly organizes leadership around avoiding discomfort.
Pastors drift into this more easily than they realize because ministry gives immediate emotional feedback. When people are happy, the room feels lighter. When people are upset, everything suddenly feels heavy and complicated. So, the temptation becomes subtle: maybe if I explain it softer, delay it longer, or adjust it slightly, everyone can stay comfortable.
That instinct feels pastoral. Sometimes it’s actually fear wearing a name tag.
Here’s what’s happening beneath the surface: Approval has slowly become a leadership compass — not because a pastor is weak, but because pastors are relational. They spend years reading rooms, anticipating reactions, and carrying emotional tension. Over time, they can become so attuned to disappointment that they start steering around it automatically. Clarity gets wrapped in enough cushioning material to survive a cross-country shipment. Eventually the leader starts confusing absence of tension with presence of health. But those are not the same thing.
Your job is not to keep everyone comfortable. Your job is to lead people faithfully, even when faithfulness creates discomfort. Healthy leaders care deeply about people without making emotional approval the measure of success. Some people will misunderstand decisions. Some conversations will stay tense longer than you’d prefer. That isn’t always a sign something is wrong. Sometimes it’s simply evidence that leadership is happening.
— Josh Franks
TBMB Ministry Specialist